Day 1/130

Day 02 of Morning Pages
Day 01/130 to my 43rd birthday

As I open my laptop this morning to pen down my struggle to conquer the long battle of anxiety leading to the darkest corner of depression, I also open myself to the universe and let these thoughts go far and wide. For, I never know who wants to read it at this very moment.

For those reading this piece for the first time, let me tell you what Morning Pages are(mentioned on the top left corner of the page). I have recently become a part of a cohort called “Love For Writing”, aka LFW. We meet every Sunday to check on our progress as each one has set different goals. We also talk about books/articles and other things for mutual learning. Last Sunday, one of the members, Mudit, spoke about a book called, The Artist Way by Julia Cameron. The book basically said ,to have a morning routine that slowly leads to achieving your aim and gets you into a rhythm.

Well ! for me, this is nothing new. I am very disciplined, follow a regime, routine and work like a clock. But still, this struck a chord. In all my routines, I was missing out on something and something very crucial. I was constantly getting into a pattern.

I joined this cohort as I also have a goal in mind, but currently, there is something more important that I need to address.

I knew what I had to address; the only thing is, I wasn’t acknowledging it.

I have been dealing with many mental setbacks for quite a few months now. I have been battling my inner fears and demons for years, but things got really pronounced when I went on my cycle ride from India Gate to Gateway of India. It was an eye-opener. Once I was back from the ride, I gave up my papers at work, knowing very well that it was such a stupid decision in these times, knowing that I didn’t have anything in hand, knowing that SIP instalment is due, knowing the credit card payment date is right here, knowing a lot of things, I decided to quit. So, grateful to my organisation that they supported my decision and gave me time to think it through.

I sailed in myriad thoughts and emotions throughout January, knowing that February will be a lean month, and I’ll have to struggle financially. Being a runner, I somehow relate everything to the finish line. I gave myself a deadline for all the thinking, indecisiveness, crying etc., that I had to do.
I started reaching out to my network, I left no stone unturned to look for avenues and options; I also got in touch with my organisation and updated them on my status. I ensured that I was truthful and kind to myself in this process.
I sent out the message loud and clear to the universe with all my guts- JUST DO IT.
Today, I stand in a position where I don’t know which option to pick and which one to say no.

I had to cut that negative energy that kept on draining me daily.

This morning I forced myself to move out of the bed, very well knowing that I hadn’t slept well at night. When the house was still quiet and dark outside, I had my coffee shot, wore my shoes, and went out for a run. Came back in time to prepare school tiffin for the boys, did my core workout, made a nice adrak ki chai and wrote this piece.

There are a lot of fragmented thoughts; the flow may or not make sense but what makes sense to me is that I’ll not let myself sink.

Today is Day 01/130 for my 43rd birthday, and I bet I’ll be a total “pathka” by then(pun intended)