You left me alone in the ocean, mommy

Our exposure to sea swim started a few months ago.

Sid is a born athlete, takes sports in his stride quickly. He is reasonably good at swimming and did sea swim earlier as well, while Abhi being more on the fun side, was excited to swim in the sea.

Sid went for his first sea swim in March 2020 when preparing for his first triathlon event, which eventually got cancelled due to the pandemic. He swam long and at ease.

As the lockdown crept into our lives, all activities came to a standstill. Eventually, the rules started getting flexible, and with children stuck at home for a long time, I thought that making them learn something new will bring some thrill.

On the swim day, I was more tensed than my boys.

First, I have massive apprehension to enter open waters, so I was sure that my boys don’t face the same. Second, Indian parents don’t expose their children to any “risk”; we are overprotective parents.

I had several thoughts running in my mind about “what if”?

When it comes to extreme adventure or risk, I am the odd one out in my entire clang. I am often scolded and commented about my activities. There are several stereotypes attached to motherhood; hence the afterthoughts about “what if” occupy a dominant space in the thought process.

We reached the beach, kids chirping and me with a restless mind. Abhi went in the sea with Susrita (our very own mermaid) and soon vanished out of sight within no time.

I stood on the shore aghast.

Abhi can’t even swim properly, and he went far beyond my view. Sid stood with me for a while and persuaded me enough to swim through, but I was too petrified to enter; hence I stood where I was.

Both the boys finished their swim, and I also managed to swim with them.

Abhi was ecstatic after his swim. He loved the experience right from chatting while swimming with the fellow swimmers to the stinging jellyfish.

We went again the following week and swam through high tides.

Swim googles- check
Cap- check
Towel-check
Water bottle – check
Enthusiasm- check
A big smile- not so much as getting up at 5.30 am was not easy.

Myself, Abhi and Sid were all set for our first ever swimathon, organised by Mumbai Sea Swimmers on 7th March 2021.

Three of us were all set for the swim. Sid, as usual, was teasing Abhi on his swimming capabilities, and Abhi, in response, was getting annoyed.

During the practice swim, it is an explicit instruction to Sid – not to lose sight of Abhi and Abhi has a clear instruction to listen to bhaiya.
Abhi is a chirpy chatter, and he drifts away while swimming quickly; hence, keeping an eye on him is essential. But, on the race day, I told Sid to swim at his pace, and I’ll swim along with Abhi.

On the race day, I got up with a bad throat with total body fatigue(maybe due to extreme training and little rest). Even though I went to the beach but I couldn’t swim.

I advised Abhi to swim at ease and hold to the float if he needed rest.

Both the boys happily entered the waters to attempt their first ever sea swim race.

I kept looking at them as far as my sight could go.

I kept waiting for them with all my anxiousness. My eyes were all set on Abhi than Sid.

Sid came out of the waters and touched the finish line.

We then waited for Abhi. I could make out from far that he was approaching. Somehow a mother’s instinct is way visionary than bond 007.
I knew he was exhausted, and I ran towards him, held his hand and ran with him to the finish line.

Sid and I took Abi to the holding area, washed his face with fresh water and allowed him to settle down.

I then allowed him to hold me and cry. He was hesitant in expressing his emotions because of the people around him, but I just held him to assure that there is no hiccup to cry in public.

Abhi , after the swim

Once comfortable, I asked him what happened and below is a dialogue between us,

Abhi: It started very well, Mumma, but then bhaiya vanished. Well, he should go as he swims well, and it was nice that he won.

I was tired after 500 meters and raised my one hand as well (raising of hand is a call to an emergency in open water, one hand raise- need help, two hands raise- emergency), but no one came.

I was all alone in the ocean and didn’t know what to do?

Me(with truckloads of guilt): Abhi, you had your tow floats, and we know that we can hold on to it, right?

Abhi: I panicked so much that I forgot to hold on to the tow float

Me(with a deep breath): Then what did you do?

Abhi: Arjun uncle saw me almost crying and helped in holding the float. I was slightly comfortable now; I composed my breath and swam till the shore. He is a great guy, momma.            

Me(looking in utter awe to this 11-year-old of mine): Abhi, you are such a star, and mamma is hugely proud of you.

Boys were back to the same stuff of running around, teasing and fighting while I kept imagining the plight of an 11-year-old stuck all alone in the deep, vast ocean.

I got a slight shiver on the thought.

Indian mothers are supposed to be the epitome of sacrifice, keeping family first, caring, nurturing, best cook etc. I have seen my mother working relentlessly for all of us and never kept herself as a priority.

Mothers should protect their children and take care of them. And here I am, almost throwing my son into the sea.
It is challenging to overcome the beliefs and thoughts you are born with, and the most brutal being to take ownership of all your decisions and actions.

“What if”?– Was and is my constant thought.

As I picture the entire sequence of Abhi’s race, a child who is not so great at swimming gets tired in the middle of the ocean, doesn’t find anyone around, panicked, breathless. What if I was in Abhi’s place? I would have called it a quit. I did it in one of my races.
But my 11- year old didn’t. He sought help, composed himself and finished his 1kms of the swim.

As we celebrated Sid’s winning and Abhi’s completion of the race, I hugged my boys tight on their victory.

This world will be a big huge ocean, with lots of uncertainties; at times, it’ll be a calm sea, and sometimes there will be huge waves. Just hold your breath and swim through. You will get people to help you, but in the end, it’ll be your courage and strength that will make you reach the shore.

Momma, may or may not be by your side to pull you through the storm, but I’ll always be keeping an eagles eye on you, my boys.

I shall keep taking risks with both of you until I see that you’ve turned as tough as a rock.

You made mamma superbly proud, and thank you for calling me momma.

Yes, I left you in the ocean, but you’ll never be alone, never!