and, one more!
The child standing in the corner is stunned, hard-faced and cold
but the mother, the mother, is hard and cold too.
Why was the child punished?
He wasn’t fast enough to finish his meal or some other unsubstantial reason.
The world sees her as a heartless, cruel mother with no love for her child. She should not be a mother in the first place.
Who is this mother?
This mother was ME.
And the child was Sid.
What was the reason for this behavior? Sharing my experience here,
The month of June holds a special place in my life. It is a month of my birthday as well as my first child Sid was born on 22nd June.
I was so thrilled when I knew that I am pregnant that I went announcing it to everyone. I took my pregnancy as the most precious thing. I talked to my baby, heard Garbh Sanskar, went to pre-natal classes(sometimes), and did what it took to make my pregnancy look like a most sought after event.
With advancing pregnancy, my need to be loved, been taken care of, and nurtured increased. There was a significant gap here.
After the water bag bursting, terrible labor pain, and finally, a C-Sec Sid was delivered. When I held him in my arms, I had all the love for him. I promised to raise him to the best of my ability. I promised to give what it takes to be his shadow until he is on his own. I was oozing with first-time motherhood syndrome.
Sid and I made an excellent company. We played, laughed, ran, danced, and did everything together. I loved singing and dancing to him so that he eats one bite (he has been a troublesome eater). Everything was beautiful. I was enjoying my motherhood, and I had no time for anything else. Then came his stage of running around and throwing a little more tantrums. I was exhausted. With no significant help at home, Sid took my lot of time and energy.
I tried to get back to work, attempted a lot of gig things, but things didn’t work. Sid demanded more from me. The pressure to get back to work and contribute to the household was immense; I kept trying but in vain. I was frustrated, not understanding and accepting that the child needed me more than anything else. With no one to share, talk, or discuss my feelings, I aimed my negative feelings anger to the soft target- my baby. I was wild, angry, screaming, adamant, violent, and a very very bad mother.
Sid turns fifteen on 22nd June, and it took me 15 years to confess about my behavior back then.
It took me 15 years to admit that every moment I felt like a bad mother.
It took me 15 years to work on myself – still working.
It took me 15 years to realize and understand that neglecting postpartum depression is a disaster.
It took me 15 years to build up both physically and mentally.
It’ll take me several years more to move out of the guilt for being so harsh on my child.
If you have any pent up emotions, then speak up, talk it out, write it, it helps a lot. Unaddressed and unexpressed feelings will only lead you to depression and anxiety and can take a nasty turn, too, read here. Don’t do it, please!
We evolve with our children.
Thank you, my baby, for my Sid, to make me realize my weakness and strengths, and thank you for making me a Mom.
Admit and confess to your children because we love them a lot and will always do. Happy motherhood.
If you wish to share your guilt and just want to be heard then reach out to any of the means as below: