“Didi, aaj kya banega?”
(what’s the menu for cooking today)
The above sentence makes my brain work much faster, my eyes move left and right, and I leave whatever I do to think unilaterally – aaj kya banega(what to cook today)
Working or non-working, all women worldwide have to deal with this universal problem.
I reached this conclusion a few days back while on a call with my Singapore-based colleague.
As a practice, before the call begins, I always ask about the other person’s well-being and pause to allow the person to breathe, ensuring a safe space to share. I ask her too. I could sense her tiredness on the screen, forced smile, and shoulders hung. She looked straight into my eyes and said, “Disha, I am exhausted”
When children listen to a thrilling story, they wait with a bated breath without uttering a word, with their eyes gazing on you, body bent forward, mouth half open, just waiting for you to speak.
I was that child here. I was waiting for her to speak.
She shared that she has young kids, and managing work, home, kids, and their constant requests for yummy meals gets very difficult. She added that her mind races to look for nutritious yet delicious recipes for her kids. Although her husband is a helpful partner, the menu decision unknowingly comes to her.
Sounds familiar?
In India, I am privileged enough to have house help to assist me in cooking the meals. Still, the major onus lies on the lady of the house to decide the menu, ensure the inventory is in place, and ensure the cooked meal is palatable, if not delicious.
I have faced the “didi, kya banega” question in almost all places and circumstances.
A few years back, while I was climbing the beautiful yet steep passes in Bhutan on my cycle, huffing and puffing, pedalling steadily and wiping the sweat from my forehead even when the temperature around was pretty low, my phone buzzed, I stepped aside and climbed down the saddle, only to answer that most important question- “didi, aaj kya banega”
My expression- FUMING!
Another one is very recent. I was travelling for work in a different time zone. It was a day-long board meeting and an important one too. The first half went jiffy, but my tension didn’t recede as my presentation was in the second half. I gulped innumerable coffee shots and several litres of water that kept rushing me to the restroom. My watch was the happiest, giving me kudos on completing the target steps.
And the moment came- ah! My deck was displayed on the big screen, and I stood confident, smiling, and put my phone on silent, ready to make that remarkable presentation.
Okay, remarkable is self-praise!
But, even before I could greet the board, an incoming call from home reflected on my watch.
Holy cow! Technology is such a bummer; I missed disconnecting my watch from the phone.
I disconnected the call instantly. But, somehow, the forces were testing me, and my watch buzzed again.
The board sensed my tension; they could see my eyeballs on the phone and then on the deck and my hand extending to get a glass of water- clear signs of -tension. I was allowed to take the call and return peacefully for the presentation.
A few seconds from picking up my phone, excusing everyone and dashing out of the board room, I thought of everything I should not have. I imagined every possible calamity. Sweat trickled down my temple as I dialled back home.
The calm voice at the other end said, “Didi, aaj sambhar banana hai, lekin biagan nahin hain, aap order kardo” (an Indian curry is on the menu, and we don’t have aubergine, please order it)
WHAT!!!
A sudden rush of anger burned my eyes. I controlled my tremendous urge to scream by clenching my fist and tightly closing my eyes. I asked my cook( softly??- How did I even manage it, I have no clue) if “bhaiya” (my husband) was not home, and she very casually registered his presence.
THEN WHY ME??
She was clueless about the anger oozing from my eyes, and with a no-tension-no-worry voice, she told me there was no point telling “bhaiya” as he would not know what to order.
To cut a long story short, I think it’s quite evident who got the blasting after this conversation.
I managed to present my deck “remarkably”. On the flight back home, I couldn’t stop thinking about how easily a perception is made and gender roles are defined.
For any task that requires labour, like shifting the furniture or repairing any electronic item, men come forward and take up the job with pride. At the same time, all kitchen-related stuff is directed towards women.
What does Shark Tank India tell us about women’s entrepreneurship in India? A fascinating analysis in Mint looked at the 320 startups pitched on the popular Indian TV series and found that start-ups with women-majority teams constituted less than 15 per cent of all the pitches made on the show. Further, just nine pitches came from all-women teams that belonged to a Tier-II or Tier-III city. In addition to numbers, there was also a gender skew in terms of what sectors the pitches were from, the analysis found. Nearly all the pitches made by women-majority teams were for products in the beauty, clothing, and home furnishing categories, while men dominated the technology, electronics, and media industries(source-womenandwork.substack.com)
A friend takes pride in telling me that her daughter bakes great cakes and fluffy omelettes. He is very proud of her; definitely, he should. I acknowledged his daughter’s talent and asked if his girl played any sport.
We both looked at each other, smiled and then looked away. I got my reply.
In continuation to our conversation,I shared with him how frustrating it is when my boys don’t miss their football, swimming, cricket or any sport, and I don’t need a reminder even once, but to clean up their room, water the plants, do the laundry or make the bed, they need several reminders.
He suggested I hire a “good” house-help
No further comments. PERIOD(add an expression of eye-roll)
If there is an elephant in the room, then there is a baigan in the boardroom that needs serious attention and requires a significant change in social conditioning.
It has to start with the woman in the house who sets definite work roles for everyone and surely for herself.
After the please-order-baigan-episode,
I’ve stopped answering phone calls from home between my work timings – people have to wait.
I’ve stopped ordering anything; leave aside baigan when I travel – people need to learn to be organised.
I’ve started saying NO – people should learn to accept it.
Have you addressed the “baigan in the boardroom” yet?
(baigan – aubergine , bhaiya – elder male in the house)
