Let me be ME

Archive for September, 2015

Floating ….

She saw him

She fell for him

She had a feeling

She looked

She waited

She gasped

She had a baited breath

She dreamed of him

She thought of him

She wanted him

She sought him

She wandered around him

But…..

He just , saw her

And nothing more.. the end #

Let the your mind speak. DishA

Mother in question?

So, it was my son’s PTM(Parent Teacher Meeting) and I went to the school with a firm head as I already knew what’s in store. Discussion over half a mark with the teacher for Grade 1 child was beyond my understanding. Grade 4 mothers were overly concerned about their ward not being selected  in the elocution competition or “some”  children using “bad words” in the class.

Every time I attend the PTM ,I always come back questioning myself. How good I am as a mother? If my child does not get “good” marks in his assessment I start blaming myself for not teaching him enough. If I get a complaint from the teacher for his mischievous behavior I again put myself to blame for not giving enough time. Many a times I put this blame game aside and pat myself that I am doing a fabulous job. But, then quickly I am back to the same dilemma , am I doing enough as a mother?

One day , someone very close to me said, “now is the time that you should put yourself at rest and devote all your time and energy to your kids “. I was surprised as well as baffled . I again started questioning myself – am I really not giving time to my boys? Are they getting neglected ? What more should I do ?

A child is the reflection of his/her mother. This is such a huge responsibility .But, it is also said that boys follow father’s shadow. Yes, I have boys and surely they are more attached to me. I’ll not be ashamed if they grow up to be “momma’s boys”. I’ll be happy that they will learn how to be sensitive towards a female or how to take care of the opposite sex.

Once when I was on a travel and one of my acquaintance ,a young boy in his 20s with full sympathy to the male tribe kind of questioned me , ” Wow! you travel so much and also go on your adventure trails. Your husband really allows you?” I told him , “First, I am married but have not taken up slavery. Secondly, please don’t marry ever”

I have friends who live their lives out of suitcases. If the travel is scheduled they will move to cities or countries even if the child has exams or is a little unwell . I wonder if their company questions them , “did your wife allowed you to travel?”

If you move out to work, you are not giving the desired time . If you stay back , you are treated unskilled.

If you travel , your kids are neglected. If you don’t travel the company neglects you.

If you seek your passion , you are selfish. If you don’t you’re killing yourself.

If you can cook and serve your family well , you are caring. If you can’t then your children are deprived of healthy and tasty food.

If father comes ahead and helps in domestic issues his stature in the family is raised dramatically. While , for mothers it is their duty to do and there’s nothing so great in it! I am not a feminist at all , although may sound like one. But, why when my son doesn’t score well, or is being naughty , using “bad words” , back answering, not behaving well in a social gathering all the eyes knowingly or unknowingly turn or pop towards me ..

This mother is so much in question that I wonder if I was Kunti and my boys came as a blessing from a sage who positioned his hand emitting rays towards my womb and surprise !! I have a baby. How easy it would have been. But, this ain’t any mythological saga. Father contributed enough to make a baby.

There is a gap and poor mother will many a  times remain in question.
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Replacement Pet??

I remember as a child I was always attracted to little , cute , chubby , hairy puppies . But, it was clear that no dogs will be allowed in the house – Mom’s word can’t be challenged( applies to me now and I love that hold… yo!!! Me THE Momma).

Even under strict instructions my eldest brother use to pick up some stray dogs at random and bring them home. We had a luxury to stay in huge government quarters so the little bundle of flesh used to run around the garden and surely never tried to enter home . So, mom’s BIG verdict was well taken care. I remember my brother used to get up midnight listening to the cries and move out slowly of the house even when it was foggy, chilled winter just to cover up the little one  or to cuddle a bit. I always admired my big brother for this gesture. Although this little guest never stayed in our house for many days for reasons I told and my brother used to nicely let him go. But very soon there used to be another one. So, we kind of had a pet but with no liability.

Many years have gone and now I am a mom and my boys pester me to have a third child which surely I don’t agree . They then settle with a plea to have a pet at home. Even I wanted to have a pet at home but as we moved to bigger cities the houses got smaller and in a city like Mumbai it’s criminal to keep a pet in a crammed place . What I understood from my boys plea was , that they had a little human connect between a sibling and a pet (read if not a baby then a pet).

I still deny their plea by explaining to them that,” I don’t have the band width to manage a pet along with two of you”. Their instant reply is ,” but WHY momma ?”

My logic is very simple, first my boys are still young I need to be around them. Second , the house is too small to accommodate another member and that too a very frisky one. Third and most important , I’ll not be able to give the time and attention that little one will require and it will be absolute injustice done . I think my boys understood and their nagging has stopped ,as of now !

It wasn’t long after this discussion that one fine morning I was waiting for the elevator to reach my floor . Suddenly I saw a little shiny brown colored four legged creature running all over the lobby. Oh yes! we had a small Labrador puppy in our neighborhood. I just let her frisk around me, smell me , climb over me. I totally forgot that I missed the elevator , that I was getting late for work . I just loved cuddling Brownie (name changed). After spending good time with the little one I finally decided to move to work thinking of the delight my boys will have once they’ll come to know of a new member on the floor.

As soon as the boys were back from school my phone rings at work and yes they had a zing in their voice, a very happy, exited and curious tone. The reason was – Brownie.From that day it was a routine to see Brownie every morning before going to school,  in the afternoon,  in the eve. What joy to see them so happy and also seeing Brownie enjoying with them.

It was not even a week that one day I rang the bell and saw that Brownie was  in a small cage little bigger than her size right in the center of the hall. TV was switched on , fan was off and the maid was sitting on the sofa. Upon questioning that why Brownie is kept like this,the maid replied, that Brownie doesn’t let her cook and was unwell too.The so called parents of Brownie did ensure all comfort and play accessory for her with a play pen , ball , soft toys , training band but still she was ALONE.

Slowly Brownie stopped moving out of the house once she tried but was unable to walk also. One day I saw her mother (lady of the house ) when i as moving to office I asked why she was home? The lady replied as Brownie is unwell she has to at home . Also,she has to attend an important meeting the next day so Brownie has to be well. I wondered how can one instruct illness to recover as per one’s demand?

It was today when I came back home tired, in fever and unwell that I thought I’ll go and spend sometime with Brownie .All of a sudden my little boy tells me that Brownie is not home because she is in hospital. This made me all the more worried . I was about to leave the house to check on her that my maid told me that Brownie is no more and the boys don’t know about this. Although I keep my boys abreast with all facts of life but I just couldn’t muster the courage to disclose this fact!

Oh my! I stood still for few minutes Tears rolled down my cheeks . I was in utter shock. Brownie’s so called parents were at work and this sad news was told by their maid.

I remember having a conversation with my neighbors when they told me that we are not seeking to go a family way hence it’s better to have a pet!

A pet for a baby?

Only that little puppy was an animal, you left such a tiny creature back home , in  cage, with the maid. You never ever took her out in the garden to run. She was trapped in the house the whole day. When she urinated on the lobby floor it was your maid who wiped it off not you. I am glad you did not made babies .

As I write this my eyes go wet because I have cuddled brownie in my arms, I have played with her,I have allowed her to lick me, I have seen the boys eyes sparkling with joy when they used to play with her.

Dear neighbor you have killed a living soul you have committed most atrocious crime.

Your replacement pet will never forgive you.