Let me be ME

Archive for November, 2014

You’re here

One moment I thought I’ve lost you
It pained me, hurt me n agitated me
You were no more within my reach
N I could hear myself screech
The silence , so deafening
The absence , so maddening
The gap, so disturbing
Then as I closed my eyes
There was a beautiful sight
You were right here
Just in front n so near
Yes, I held you tight
So close n breath so light.
You never went away,
And I  can never ever say this way
You are right here,
With me, near me , beside me
Yes, you are here, right here.


Posted from WordPress for Android

देखो …यहीं है बचपन

कितने लोगों से सुना यह मैंने
हमारा बचपन कहीं खो गया है
सुबह ब्लैकबेरी का सूट पहन कर
जूतों को चमका कर
बड़ा सा स्मार्ट फ़ोन ले कर
जब में अपनी मेहेंगी सी गाडी on करता हूँ
तब में अपनी हैसियत पे फुले नहिं समाता
कितनी पढ़ाई और कितनी मेहनत के बाद में पहुंचा हूँ  इस मुकाम पे
frequent flyer , 5 स्टार hotel अब मेरे हैं AMEXकार्ड पे
पर जब में सुबह से थक कर लेटता हूँ उस उम्दा होटल के कमरे में
बार बार यही सोचता हूँ की क्या मैंने पा लिया है सब कुछ?
शायद कहीं कुछ् रह गया है
जो में ढूंढता हूँ weekend पे
क्यों में हिम्मत नहीं कर पता अपने ख्वाबों को जीने की
बस मन टीस भरता है एक ख़ुशी पाने की
एक बार वह बचपन फिर आ जाए
जहाँ सिर्फ खेल ,खाना और माँ का प्यार समाये
लेकिन फिर मैंने देखी एक मासूम हंसी
वही खिलखिलाहत और जीवन से भरी
मैंने सोचा,अपने लिए तो सब जीते हैं
खाते ,पीते,खेलते और कमाते हैं
बस एक बार एक चेहरे पे हंसी लाके तो देखो
एक बच्चे को प्यार करके तो देखो
बचपन फिर आ जाएगा
इतनी मासूमियत अपने अंदर ले के तो देखो
कौन कहता है खो गया बचपन
बस एक बार पंख लगा तो देखो


Posted from WordPress for Android

In me

I was searching for peace
Hunting , looking, seeking but in vain
Then I started searching love
But all I got was pain
Finally I searched myself
And I was amazed to find
All three within me
My peace my love and myself
All were in me
Why was I such a  frenetic
Why I wanted you
Why did I even seek you
When you came to go
Now I can see myself
Clear with glee
It was always in me
The power to put aside
The courage to move forward
The compassion to embrace all
Yes it’s in me… Right in me


Posted from WordPress for Android

I run…just run

“Yes, it is confirmed!!” the words kept ringing in my ears. I ran home to disclose the wonderful news to my husband and in laws who were visiting us at the time.

I WAS GOING TO BE A MOM. I always loved children and having one of my own was an absolute blessing. I couldn’t hide my excitement and it was so conspicuous in whatever I was doing. I picked up the phone and started calling as many people I knew.

As a first time mom and that too at a young age (in comparison to the current scenario) I was concerned about the slightest of changes that took place in me. My surfing over the internet began and visit to multiple book shops to get the best books for pregnancy became a regular occurrence. All kinds of advices poured in from all known, unknown sources (read self appointed grannies in the park), neighbours, and relatives. Even the internet didn’t spare me. I just registered my LMP at one of the sites and from that moment onwards I had my mailboxes filled with information from various sites to guide, support and encourage me about how to take care of myself and my baby during pregnancy.

I was drowning in a pool of knowledge and literature all revolving around me, my baby and post delivery state. I was eating the best of foods, best of nuts available on the shelves at the super mart and eating ice creams incessantly since I craved so much for it. How can I leave this out? I was even listening to Amitabh Bacchan’s Garbh Sanskar- values you see! “The baby can hear you even in the womb” this one sentence kept echoing always. My poor husband bore the brunt of it largely. Huge pampering went unacknowledged as the changing hormones kept my temper high and left him totally at loss.

My weight kept on increasing and large amounts of water retention made my body swell up like a hot air balloon. I distinctly remember that my gynaecologist never pointed this. She merely asked me to keep a check on what I was eating. Even after reading up so much on pregnancy I thought that my weight gain is a good sign; an indication of a healthy, chubby baby in me. So, by the end of my term I was whopping 26 kilos more than where I had started.

Finally, I had a healthy baby after completing my full term but with negligent weight loss. It was a battle to get back in shape as huge weight gain had deformed me completely. I had stretch marks all over, sagging skin and a loose stomach. It was a depressing state to say the least. I expected my gynaecologist to guide me towards my weight loss and post delivery care, but in vain. Yet I was successful in shedding those extra kilos.

After my first child was three years old I conceived again. This time I was more relaxed as I knew what was in store. Over and above that when you have a super active child at home and negligible presence of your partner there is no time to stress or think. But one thing I observed again was that I was gaining weight just by smelling good food!! By the time I was into the fifth month of my pregnancy I looked like a full term. This time I gained 24 kilos over my starting weight.

During my last term the gynaecologist had asked me undergo a Thyroid test and yes I had hypothyroidism. My medication commenced immediately and continued all through the previous term. Thankfully I have a healthy body and had good resources to take care of myself and thus delivered my second child successfully. But again my weight issue persisted and was in fact more stubborn this time.

With absolutely no rest after my second baby I was on my feet just 20 days after my second caesarean. My legs had no strength and I would wobble while walking, my stomach hung like a deflated balloon and due to some hormonal change my neck developed a dark patch around it. I remember the time when I used to look at myself in the mirror and cry for hours. I was happy seeing my little one but was too depressed to see myself, a huge deformed body. At this point hormones play a major role and mine were monstrous. They made me feel depressed, insecure, unloved and largely blue.

The day my younger baby turned one, I stopped breastfeeding him and that was the time I decided,” I’ll now get back to the way I was”. I left no stone unturned. From power yoga to aerobics to zumba, swimming and gymming; I did it all. But I could manage to lose merely 12 kilos. I still weighed 72kgs.

Then I was introduced to a runners group and I started taking that seriously. With regular runs, strength training and a regime in place, I managed to lose 9kilos within a year.

To feel good, to believe in you, to stay beautiful and to feel confident is the right of every woman.

Now is the time I will run my first half marathon after several short distance runs that I have done. I feel immensely confident to participate in the run. If my experienced gynaecologist practicing at the best hospital had been a little cautious about my unnatural weight gain during my pregnancy, I would have been running faster than I do now.

I am absolutely hopeful to complete my run  at ADHM (Airtel Delhi Half Marathon) on 23rd November’14.

Lost my breath

I heard a shriek from far n wide
Wondered there is someone out of sight
Holding my baby in my arms
I searched but nothing could be found
My little breath panicked a little
I held him tight n gave a giggle
I heard that shriek again
This time much low in pain
I made my little heart sit aside
Assuring I’ll be back in a sight
I followed the voice of pain
To find a tiny soul in a lane
She was cold scared n numb
I gave her my hand to come
She ran to me as if my own
Hugged n squeezed me to my bone
I gripped her tiny finger
To go to my little breath faster
I came to the spot where I left
But there was nothing but a cleft
My heart sank to the deepest
My soul was in the darkest
Frantically I searched all around
But my tiny breath had bounced
My soul my heart my breath was gone
Tears rolled down from miles n beyond
With a thud I flattened on the lane
But those cold fingers rolled on me again
I looked up at her to see a hope
She wanted me to cling like a rope
I held her little finger n started to walk
Leaving behind feelings like a rock.



Posted from WordPress for Android

I see you

I see you and this is only what I do
You sleep like a baby
With a gentle smile
A little open mouth
And the cacophony that you make
The heavy breath n a little shift
You know I skip my sleep
Why? Just to see you!!!
You sleep like a baby
The expressions so serene
The postures so calm
I can live just seeing you.
I slowly turn , to do what?
Yes, just to see you
I go close to roll my fingers in your ruffled hair
You twist and I quickly move aside
You know why?
Because I love seeing you and that’s what I’ll always do.

Posted from WordPress for Android

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